A life reflection in twenties ... Part 4

Hiren wanted me to start the married life, by learning all household tasks... He was against keeping a maid for the first 2 years... We did not even have a washing machine that time... Actually we were financially safe to purchase a washing machine immediately, after moving to Bangalore... But sometimes Hiren's expectations cross limits... Most of the times, it used to get as late as 3 pm to complete all the weekend household tasks and have lunch... Anyways ... Parallelly I started learning Kannada script and began reading the Bus destinations and shop names ... I also gathered few basic questions that we need to answer while travelling by public transport in Bangalore ... Three months got over ... I joined my job ... I wanted to get an opportunity to work on a core telecom project (like protocol development which were the key projects in India at that time) ... But I didn't get that opportunity... I tried to put my case in front of the director to put me in a telecom project, because I have done my masters in telecom ... But the director denied it saying "first prove yourselves in the industry and then demand" ... I got little demoralized ... I was put in a web project ... The company arranged a training on Java language to work on that project ... But I was demoralized internally ... I did not attend the training... Then I started working on first project ... It was about digging into the Java code (which was a framework to extract data from LDAP database) ... And extract the values which we need ... I needed one month to dig into the framework but I could extract the values successfully... In that one month, one of my managers caught me sleeping in the office, by resting my head on the desk ... That was the time when I worked hard both at home and at the office ... The "sleeping" must be a result of that ... After this project another project started, where we had to develop a bunch of JSPs and deploy them inside a weblogic container ... These JSPs had complex requirements which were given in textual format ... We had to develop the JSPs by allowing the users to enter certain values by themselves and defaulting the other values at the backend in the container and in the database ...  Such that the user interface will not look much complex to the end user ... Which of the values to be "displayed" and which need to be "defaulted" was the decision taken by our seniors ... After completing the user interfaces, I was asked to modify the "Program Guide" user interface ... One of my colleagues had developed the user interface ... I had to correct it such that it's alignment of programs will be in shape ... It was my first time, to develop on top of someone else's work ... It was hard, but I did that ...  I realized that I was ramping up on Java ... Slowly and gradually ... Even though I did not attend any Java training in my life, I could program with Java ... Many of the times in those days, all my colleagues, including me, used to be in the office from morning 9 to night 9 or 10 O'clock ... Meanwhile, Hiren taught me how to ride a two wheeler ... I used to ride the two wheeler to commute to the office, in those days ... Young age ... It was the time to work as hard as possible ... And I think, I did that ... One more incident occur at home ... We got a telegram from Hiren's sister ... "I am leaving home ... Please take care of parents ..." ... Hiren's sister got married ... Hiren rushed to Ahemdabad ... He met his sister, his brother-in-law and received his parents at Bangalore... When Hiren's mother came to Bangalore home, she gave me a hug and started weeping ... It was the first time she visited our home ... She was so hurt by her daughter's sudden decision and the way she chose to fulfill her desire ... Hiren's parents stayed at our home for three months ... Those days passed allright, except the fact that even though I was thinking that I work hard at home, Hiren's parents never thought that ... Hiren used to tell them that "she is working in the office, that is why she is not able to work at home" ... But in my mind, I thought I am working hard at home as well as in the office ... I never understood why someone should question MY work at MY home ... It's MY way to work at MY home ... Why should someone bring MY work at home to my husband's notice? ... What is the motive? ... After working hard at home Hiren's father used to say "Complete the other thing, pachi shanti (then peace)" ... I was annoyed one day, by their demanding attitude about work at home ... I said to Hiren "Even after doing so much work, they don't find peace ... God knows when they will find peace" ... Apart from this statement, I didnot make any other comment in that stay ... When they left Hiren mentioned, "Your behaviour change is only in the presence of them ... You are back to normal loving self" ... Sometimes I even wonder whether Hiren's parents' "unhappiness about their daughter", manifested into "bothering me" ... Means, actually they were angry with their daughter, but there is no way they could bring out the anger other than being angry with me ... Sometimes, I even wonder that I can not analyze the psychology and the sentiments of the deaf ... They must have gotten into the feeling of "betrayal " by Hiren's sister's act and they have no way to get around with their frustration ... At this point in life I realized both my work life and personal life were not going as I thought ... Things were hard ... Meanwhile, I started becoming comfortable in reading and writing Kannada ... I could not speak though ... When my colleagues and I went for snacks, I wrote my colleagues' names on the paper ... They both were happy to see my progress in Kannada ... Anyways ... On the home front Hiren used to visit the US many times ... I used to be upset when he used to leave me alone in Bangalore and go to the US ... Each of his visits used to be for a week or so ... I used to tell him jokingly, that one day I will visit the US for days equal to the sum of the days of your visits ... Ha ha ha ...  One day, my manager asked me to develop a workflow from scratch ... From user interface to the database ... He asked me "How long it will take?" ... I said "X days" ... He asked me could you do it in Y number of days? ... Y days were much less than I originally told ... I said "Ok" ... I completed the workflow in Y days ... But I had to stretch myself till night 10 O'Clock ... In the meanwhile, another lady joined as my leader ... Her family came back to India after working and staying in the US for 6 years ... 6 years was a long time ... She and her family were green card holders ... We had to discuss about our work quite frequently, because she was my leader ... I realized that she was missing her stay, her colleagues and work environment in the US very much ... I could understand her situation completely ... But there was one statement which was bothering me ...  She told 2-3 times in the team (not exactly in official meetings, but while having snacks or lunch) ...  that "I have got options to choose the country" ... Which used to make me question myself "Am I staying in India because I do not have options?" ... Her statement was giving rise to an "inferiority complex" in my mind ... It was making me feel "Indians are somewhere lacking in technology" ... Which we as Indians are aware ... But her statement was just "making sure", that we know this ... I was working with her ... She was deep in technology ... Such that she created a "home grown struts like framework" with us ... I was very happy to see the depth ... I developed a module, where I needed to extract values from XML and return them back in an appropriate data structure ... She was also happy with me and told me that I am a meticulous person ... I used to sing or hum in the office that time ... It's just something I do when I am relaxed ... One of my female managers had recognized me by coming to me and telling me that "Swati, you sing well" ... I just hope they did not get bothered by it ... But it's too late now ... Then one day the director called me (I forgot the reason) ... In all other talk, he asked me about my leader ... I said "She is good, but what bothers me is one statement that "I have got options". It makes me feel that I am in India, because of no options ... Which is sheer helplessness" ... I am not sure, because my feedback was transferred to her, she was very angry with me and one day she told me "Swati, you seem to be a jealous woman" ... I did not say anything ... But I remember after that, I hesitated to give feedback ... And also from that day, I developed a competitive mindset about having to visit US ... I became ambitious or say over-ambitious to compete with Hiren and my leader ...  to go to the US for work ... I wanted to prove that "I can also travel alone for work!" ... Today when I retrospect, I realized that I should have communicated to my leader directly about what is bothering me ... Since I spoke to the director, it went to the next level ... Coincidentally another incident occurred with the same female leader ... One of my colleagues told me "my husband doesn't want me to work" ... I shared it with my female leader while having snacks in the evening ... There were other of my colleagues nearby also having snacks ... They were not with us ... My female leader was little angry with me ... "Why did you tell this in front of other colleagues? It may affect her career" ... I felt like being a gossip spreading person at that time ... A person taking advantage of another colleagues' situation to grow up in the ladder... And in reality I think my colleague left the company and I got promoted for that very reason... I never want to spread gossip... I was genuinely concerned about my colleague's situation at home... Ideally considering the standards of those times, my colleague deserved the promotion... My other colleague and friend resigned from the company for her marriage and subsequent movement to the US... It has been almost three years for me in the company so far ... I was feeling emotionally dragged by this time due to the incidences around me in the office... I wrote a mail to the senior manager stating all the things that I found going wrong around me in the office ... He was very kind to listen to me ... Then one day my manager asked me whether I would like to go to the US for three months ... I said "yes" ... Because in my mind I had developed a competitive spirit about travelling alone ... As planned, I visited the US ... Work went as planned without much hurdles ... The only problem in the US was to commute... So sometimes I used to call a Pakistani driver to drop me at the office... (Believe it or not, Pakistani people behave well with Indians, only thing is he used to charge us more than usual) ... Sometimes I used to commute with my colleague who had rented a car ... He had a Gulam Ali's Gazal CD in his car ... I used to listen to the same Gazal again and again over the 15 min commute... He did not get bothered by that ... Very kind person! ... Since I went in Winter, it was the first time for me to see the snow ... Simply Beautiful site to watch... 6 to 7 inches of snow everywhere... Can't describe how I felt, seeing the snow first thing in the morning! ... What I miss in India is only the snow ! We got company accomodation for three months ... I had to share a two bedroom apartment with one of my colleagues... I first came across good movies like "Pretty Woman", "Meet Joe Black", "Wedding Planner" in the US ... This was my first time to come across English movies ... I also came across English Serials like "Full House" ... It was a comedy ... Later in life Hiren got all the "Full House" CDs for us ... That was precious... One day my colleague had switched on the TV and there was an act of a Gorilla trying to reach out to unclothing a white woman ... I don't know if it was a porn ... My colleague asked me to change the channel ... I changed it ... My roommate had problem with her South Indian colleage and senior calling her something like "honey" (in Sound Indian language) ... I could just wish that for me in my dreams ... but she found that is a genuine concern ... One day she drained a whole bowl of rice in the drain ... I told her it might be OK in the US because the sink has a mechanical crusher .... but if she does that in India the sink will get choked .... we maintain the sink and the drainages such that there will be no need for anyone to get into the man-hole .... we take care of the Indian white as well as Indian black people ... Anyways ... When I was there for three months, Hiren also was there for a week or so ... We planned a Amtrak train journey to visit one of Hiren's friends... We had a great time ... The stay in the US was over and I was back in India ... As I thought, I actually visited the US for the sum total of days of Hiren's visits ... After a few days I was asked if I could join my manager to present our developments to our company's branch in Delhi ... I think it was a "technical festival" sort of event in Delhi ... I had no issues ... I joined my manager ... I met my colleague and fellow commuter in the US over there in Delhi ... We talked for sometime ... And then we returned back to Bangalore... Lot of memories... Back in Bangalore, when both my close colleagues left, I did not feel like working for the company at all...It got very lonely and more than that I had a nagging feeling that my company did not value my knowledge and my skills at all ... For me, it was all about valuing my education and assigning me a project and work accordingly... I wanted to work on a Telecom job ... But I didnot get that ... I started applying outside ... I applied to multiple companies but I never got selected because all the interviews were about knowing Java at syntax level and knowing programming mathematics algorithms to create a Fibonacci sequence, Reversing a string, Sorting... Honestly, I take a very long time to even think about the algorithms and draw an outline in the interviews... Indian interviews gave me a feeling "I do not have any knowledge about anything in the technology space" ... Indian interviews created a tremendous complex in me in order to go for high-end technology ... I think that I am perfectly capable of working on high-end technology (believe me, many of the working people in India do not know what I mean when I say High End Technology ... It was hard for them to understand my unhappiness over losing my field! Most of them were thinking like, if she has been sent to the US and Delhi, why she is so unhappy? She is making progress isn't it?) ... But the Indian interview structure never gave me a chance to work on it ... Anyways ... I got into one company for a support job ... I accepted that offer ... I had got 15 days to join the new company ... When I resigned from my current job, my senior managers got furious ... According to them, they were planning to train me by sending me to the US and Delhi ... But for me, it was an expectation mis-match ... For me, what matters is them valuing my education... My field "telecom" mattered to me ... Giving me an edge as a Masters from a prestigious college, from the Bachelors ... It matters ... Especially at an early stage in life ... It motivates ... If we as Indians devalue our education and treat the Masters and the Bachelors equally, who will value it? ... "Equality" is important and it has its own place in life, but an "edge" also has its own place ... We do the Masters for that "edge" over the Bachelors ... Especially when I did my Masters with a valid score ... I least expected the statement "First prove yourself in the industry and then demand" ... No one told me "How long to prove?", "What should be the proof of proving myself in the Industry?" ... For them, the motivational factors were different...The way we manage motivations, is giving rise to a competitive mindset to achieve materialistic things ... Once I was put in the Web project, everyone was treated equally... Once I left my field and not valued, nothing mattered to me except the people whom I worked with ... Once they also left, I lost my interest in the company... Back at home, Hiren's father asked me one day, "How come you came so late from the office? Who dropped you?" ... I think there was a mistrust growing between them and me ... I was little embarassed ... I explained, "I was riding a two wheeler myself ... I was there in the office for work till 10 O'Clock ... Not only me, the whole team used to be there in the office..." ... I remember when we went to Ahemdabad for the first time after marriage, my name was written on railway reservation chart as "Swati Matwankar Shah" ... He asked me "why your earlier lastname is there on the chart? Why not your new last name?" ... Actually Hiren and I had decided that I will have both our last names in my name ... It was just my values which made me think that way ... I did not feel like erasing my previous complete identity and create a new identity ... I believed that I am the way I am, is because our parents has brought us up that way ... So my name was my tribute to both the families... However, I did not understand how to explain this whole thing to Hiren's father ... Will he understand and accept different values? ... We visited to Mumbai and Ahemdabad many times from Bangalore... Either by bus or by train... In one visit there was someone's marriage planned ... There were lot of guests at Ahemdabad home ... "Puri" were made at home for everyone... I was helping them making the "Puri" ... Hiren's aunty said "This is very slow. Do it fast" ... I tried as fast as I could ... I remember in Ahemdabad Hiren used to leave me in presence of all the ladies and go out for other work ... That was the cultural thing ... One day Hiren's cousin sister commented "Hiren na pachal pachal farti rahe che (She keeps on following Hiren wherever he goes ... )" ... That was so true ! ... We visited many times from Bangalore to Ahemdabad and Mumbai... But after initial few times, I started denying to visit Ahemdabad... One reason was, Hiren's parents used to visit us in Bangalore for three months every year ... And another reason was, we used to get limited leaves .. so why to spend the leave in Ahmedabad? ... Hiren's answer was, to meet his extended family and friends ... Actually Hiren did not have very high opinion of his own relatives, so why to visit them? It would be just for "formality" ... And regarding friends, they were all "working" and used to visit us in Bangalore too ... I perceived that I am denying the visits to Ahemdabad "thoughtfully" ... But as any other husband Hiren perceived it as, his wife is throwing tantrums to visit in-laws ... Hiren's parents generally want an explanation for everything ... Even they wanted to know, why Swati does not visit Ahemdabad? ... Hiren had to explain things on my behalf and Hiren did not know what and how to explain... He just has thoroughly practiced giving "benefit of doubt" ... Means simply ignore ... But the above issues were critical... We can not ignore them ... I can completely understand Hiren 's position... Being a deaf couple's son ... He had to give a "benefit of doubt" since young age ... It's very difficult for a kid to explain things to parents... Generally it is opposite way ... Parents explain things to kids ... Back in Bangalore, we moved from a rental home to our own home ... However I have many memories with the rental home too ... My sister got married and she went for her honeymoon to Kerala ... While going they stopped by at our Bangalore rental home ... At home my sister was lying down with her head in my lap ... It was just like one of our childhood photographs... I would cherish the memories... Once my uncle (my mother's brother), aunty and their daughters visited us in Bangalore, while going to Kerala and Tamilnadu for a trip ... I tried to make "black gulab jamun" for them as a dessert ... In order to make them "black" in texture, I literally burnt them ... We had to throw them all away ... Anyways ... That's a fun memory ... Later on I came to know that the "black" color of "gulab jamun" is not due to frying for a long time and burning them !  There is one dark memory associated with the new own home ... We had appointed a maid after two years of working on our own ... We got mangoes at our home and they had been kept in open in grass to ripen... One day, our maid picked up one mango ... And Hiren's mother yelled at her to keep that mango down ... Don't steal the mangoes ... I did not say anything... But my maid left ... No one except Hiren's mother has seen her picking mango ... So I could not defend my maid ... I felt sad for my maid ... Hiren's mother had allegedly charged her for stealing ... God knows why she had picked a mango? Was she just curious about the fruit and why so many fruits are lying on the floor? ... Mango used to be a rare fruit in Bangalore... So my guess is she must be just curious... Because of the language, there used to be a lot of communication gaps with non-English or non-Hindi speaking people ... Here, I would like to analyse Hiren's parents' mis-trusting behaviour towards the maid and me ... Were they already mis-trusting people or Hiren's sister' incident's impact was so much that they started mis-trusting everyone new around them ... Another behaviour pattern I would like to analyse, whether Hiren's father also used to be equally mis-trusting, or he became so, because of Hiren's mother's constant nagging? ... Because being a deaf person, Hiren's father was quite well at his entrepreneurial skills and interpersonal skills ... Then why he turned into a mis-trusting person? Meanwhile I got two books for learning pencil sketches... I drew two of my giant soft toys (a monkey and a lion) ... The sketches came out fine ...