A life reflection in thirties ...

Well, simply put, I was searching for a lost soul ... throughout my thirties ... aim-less life ... goal-less life ... that raises questions ... what was my soul? ... what was my goal ? ... what was my aim ? ...what made me think I lost my soul? and do I think I got it now? ... In general, Indian approach towards a woman's goal is to have children and find her "future" in her children's future ... I believe that it's an injustice towards a woman ... Woman needs to independently find her future ... Throughout my life, I was looking for the definition of Independence ... I wanted to be an independent woman ... The question arises, "what is independence?" ... Is Independence "able to do what you want to do, in the way you want to do it ... ?" ... probably yes ... However, I realized that we could do what we want to do only when we are Financially Independent ... Between "abilities" and "money", Money Dominates ... We may have lot of ideas, but unless we have money to fulfil those ideas, those lot of ideas do not materialize ... That's a harsh reality of life ... There was extreme contradiction between my father's approach and Hiren's approach to look at financial independence ... My father's approach was "what do you do sitting at home? " ... It looks harsh towards a woman ... But ideally, that means he wants to encourage and appreciate women to go out and do something ... And Hiren's approach was "People (mostly women) who sit at home, also do a lot of things." ... I found my father's way appropriate in this scenario ... where it was hard for him to appreciate household work of a woman ... I think that is why, he has pushed his daughters to go out and do something ... Whereas I find Hiren's approach is "softer" towards women (which means in a way his approach is harsh towards men ... men have to study ... men have to work ... men have to grow ... men have to make women special ... everything is man's job ... woman's job is to enjoy life ...) ... Hiren's thoughts seem kind of "traditional thoughts" to me ... it is a "traditional work distribution between men and women" ... Being a woman, I hesitate to adapt to Hiren's "soft approach" towards a woman ... It is not only a soft approach, it is also a partial approach! ... my study and my jobs are all in search of financial independence ... However, in the beginning of my thirties, while working I faced strange phenomenon ... I realized that I have the financial independence, but I did not realize that I have to "put it to use" ... I was in a new environment where I felt like I lost my soul ... I found myself alone in a group of strangers ... no-one knew where I came from ... no-one knew where I was headed ... I never got that feeling until then ... ear full of accusations and blames ... no helping hands ... the surroundings were full of the feelings ... "you have not done anything for us" ... "your work is not useful to us" ... "you do not deserve what you have"... "you do not know a way to your work"... "I am hungry" ... "don't save yourselves" ... "one day at a time" ... "you are slow" ... "you are close" ... "you smell bad" ... fix your values before fixing other's values" ... "no way to move on until you fix your values"... "fire-alarms" ... what did it all represent to me? ... an environment which was unclear of its "wants" ... no understanding of whether "slow" is good ... or "fast" is good ... an environment where anyone will lose one's morals ... one's values ... one's complete identity ... one's soul ... a soul which was a passionate soul ... for its work and home ... will not hesitate to reach its limits to work or home ... good limits ... that soul found  a constant competition to choke the limits ... efforts to make the voice blunt ... unheard ... no hurry for work ... but hurry for home ... hurry to relax ... hurry to complete the work ... anyhow ... I reacted ... I want to move to India ... again the whole world echoed ... "when are you moving to India? " ... "when are you moving to India?" ... "when are you moving to India?" ... the world around me was mocking me ... I realized that ... I did not want to continue ... I stayed ... just for Hiren ... for his commitments ... no ... for our commitments ... for money ... tremendous humiliation ... for 1.5 years ... not a short time ... enough for a deep impact ... I was laid off ... I was happy ... I did not want that environment ... I started staying home ... alone for a long time ... songs and movies were the only friends ... I was happy ... I was missing my work ... the world was not ready to give me work ... my skills were obsolete ... I realized that ... I appeared for exams ... prepared for them ... for 9 to 10 months ... got a reasonable score ... but I did not know how to go for further steps ... of university admissions ... lack of like-minded people around me ... Hiren wanted me to do a job ... he was also worried about my situation of being alone and becoming aloof ... I wanted to study because getting a job will not be possible ... with my skills ... old ... once our money requirements were satisfied, I decided to return back to India ... for a job ... I was alone for 1.5 years ... working ... staying with my parents ... work was ok ... but I had the constant struggle in my mind to return to the US or not! one day I asked my father about his opinion ... he said, you can go ... I sensed a slight anger and worry in his voice ... because going to the US leaving everyone behind, takes a toll on one's emotional life ... he was of the opinion that life is full of tradeoffs ... it is ok if we get a little less money ... it is ok if we do not make a career ... family comes first ... I was not necessarily agreeing with his opinion ... however, by that time I started working in India, and keeping myself busy ... thinking back, I realized that my emotional life literally got rotten in the US ... that moment, I decided ... I do not want to go to the US ... I continued on my work ... but because of being depressed, I was laid off again ... by that time, Hiren came back from the US ... he had to join the Bangalore office ... so we went to Bangalore ... we stayed there for a few months ... I did not like my Bangalore stay ... because the city was very crowded ... so Hiren searched for a job in Pune and we came back to Pune ... I looked for a job in Pune again ... I got a job ... I continued there for 8 months ... then I resigned ... I realized that I cannot work on the jobs where I do not know the details of the system ... In order to continue to work, I need to know full details of how the system functions ... I stayed at home again ... working on Robotics ... doing small experiments ... enjoyed a lot ... I worked on it for 2.5 years ... it was giving me immense satisfaction ... Hiren was stable in his job by now ... I was having a nagging feeling of "financial dependency" over him ... I never got a sense of security with him ... one reason was he was very inclined to his family, with whom I couldn't get along much ... another reason was I did not feel much support from my parents too, because I could not align with their values either ... so I always relied on my job to give strength to me ... and I decided to start my job again ... fortunately, my skills aligned with one of the companies ... and I got a job ... I continued there for 1.5 years ... but the same story repeated again ... I could enjoy it only till the time the I knew the system ... the moment, there was a lack of details, I found myself in flux again ... I resigned ... Today I am in my late forties ... and I can say for sure that I found my goal ... "putting the financial independence into use" should be the goal of my life ... and soul is to "have our own identity" among the billions of people on the earth ...